This is who I am

Many people probably find me weird (and some, even desperate) just because I go after who I want. That's sad though. It's difficult enough to find the love of your life, and being a woman in a society that dictates what we should and should not do and that discriminates against those who repudiate its norms makes it doubly hard. It's easy to raise a middle finger and say "Fuck you, society!" but going against what is considered acceptable and normal is a lot harder than that.

I was thirteen when I first confessed to someone. No, I wasn't desperate. I just thought it wasn't fair that boys can go after the girls they like and girls are expected to idle away, waiting for their princes to come. I thought that was stupid and that the world could use a little more honesty. People thought it was weird and ludicrous, especially since all I got out of it was a semi-broken heart, but at the end of the day, I stood up for what I believed in and I was brave. And that's important.

None of my ex-boyfriends made ligaw. I don't let guys court me because courting entails impressing, gifting, pretending. You have to get the girl, after all. I knew girls who let guys they didn't like court them--kind of like testing just how far a guy was willing to go to get them. I hated that. If you don't like the guy, tell him straight out. Don't fucking lead him on. I guess I've always believed that if there was no immediate attraction, then it wouldn't come later on. I'm probably wrong, but that's how it's always been for me. A couple of years ago, I went out with a guy my guy best friend introduced. He was nice, smart, had a nice car, went to Ateneo, and then UP. He took me to dinner at an Italian restaurant that served food whose names I couldn't pronounce, bought me coffee and drove me around the city, picked me up at 6AM from the dorm and then drove me to the bus station when I went home for Christmas break. My friends said I should give it a shot, that I could perhaps learn to love him overtime. I thought, okay, why the hell not?

He drove me home once. Before I got off the car, he asked if he could kiss me. I let him. It was early morning and I hadn't slept because I spent the night drinking at a friend's house. I hadn't kissed anyone in a long time, so I was actually looking forward to it. But as soon as I got to the dorm, I ran to the bathroom and washed my mouth. I didn't see him again when I came back from Christmas break. When he asked if he could see me again, I said I'm busy with my thesis. He got the message and eventually stopped contacting me.

Perhaps this is just my romanticism talking. I'm not saying love has to be instantaneous, but I'm all about the sparks and electric feels and inexplicable connections. The world has enough mediocre things in it; I refuse to count love as one. So when I love, I don't hold back. I try to, but I always end up feeling like I'm not being myself completely, and that's another thing I dislike. In spite of the things I sometimes say and write, I really do like myself. I may not be brilliant nor talented (I have skills, not talent), but I try to be good at things, at least. I don't understand everything, but I'd like to think I am more tolerant and accepting than most people. I'm not always honest nor kind nor brave. But I try. I really do.

This afternoon, I was telling lez how I have very little self-control and how I disliked having to keep myself from doing things I want or from expressing how I feel.

You know how I am when I like someone. Feelings overflow, get out of control.

People keep telling me I should learn to control myself (in the context of my pursuit of romantic love LOL). Especially since I am a girl. And sometimes, I really do find myself trying very hard not to seem easy, if you know what I mean. But, really, what's wrong with being honest about our feelings? And what's the deal with most guys getting ticked off by girls who take the initiative?

'SUP WORLD?

Aaaaanyway.

I love who I am. And according to this list (it's awesome, so click and read!), "This is who I am" is one of the things to say before you die because "the nervous energy spent pretending to be something you’re not is better spent on practically anything else."

So yeah. This is who I fucking am. Incoherent, awkward, at times stupidly honest. Yep.