Realizations

Yesterday, one of my students said something which I think is very important. While on the subject of romantic relationships, he said, "I can't even make myself happy, so how am I supposed to do it for someone else?"

A week prior to that conversation, I also had a similar realization: How can I help another person when I can't even help myself?

You cannot give what you do not have.

This post is premature

I say premature because it's only November and yet this is something like a recollection of the latter half of the year.

I don't want to talk about this but I guess I should just give in and do it. I have no one to talk to anyway. I temporarily deactivated my accounts on Facebook and Twitter because I figured I should stop pestering other people about my problems.

I'm not depressed, but a deep-seated sadness is swelling inside me. I'm looking for something but I don't know what it is. It's probably happiness, which I thought was something I myself could fabricate, or something I could control with my mind. But I don't really know anymore. A few months ago, almost everything was going smoothly. I had the job I wanted. I was with someone I loved. I was surrounded with friends and family. I was genuinely happy.

But I messed up. I don't know if I was at fault or if it was something I had no immediate control over. In any case, things got fucked up. I quit my job, left the school, and then problems in my relationship started to surface. There were also things at home that added to the stress that was already piling up. At some point, I found myself thinking almost every day how nice it would be if things were to just fucking end. Quickly. Painlessly. It would be nice to just disappear, is what I thought.

This, of course, wasn't new. I have had thoughts like that before. But that was all they ever were--thoughts.

I didn't want this blog to be another dump site for my problems or my feelings. But there's really nowhere else I could talk about these things. At least this blog isn't known to many. I don't think anyone really visits it, to be honest, so this is pretty much like writing in a diary.

I'm so sad. I feel like 2012 has been a Ferris wheel ride. Yep, not a roller coaster this time, because the movement was, well, more steady, I guess. Midyear was awesome, and then things started moving downward, downward. And now I'm back where I started. I wanted to hold on to my relationship, at least. But even that is slipping away and I can't do anything to stop it.

It hurts.

I know many people are going through something worse, but that does not, in any way, invalidate my own suffering. And rather than fighting it off, I guess I just have to acknowledge it and embrace it.

Almost every night, since I last talked to him, I've been having dreams of seeing him or talking to him again. And then I wake up and realize it had all been a dream. Then I cry, sometimes with tears to concretize the suffering, but often without. I know the easy way out is to just break up and move on, but something in me says I shouldn't and it's far stronger than the part that tells me to let go. I don't know if this is faith. A baseless one, perhaps. But it's there.

And then there's the job hunt. It's not really going well, although I am currently waiting for something. I hope all goes well this time. I hope to get hired before the year ends so I can start 2013 afresh, preferably by a company in Manila, because as much as I find living in the province comfortable and less stressful, I cannot deny that it bores me. And as much as I love being with my family, I feel the need to be on my own. In fact, even at home, I spend much of my time cooped up in my room, rarely interacting with the rest of my family.

These days, especially, I feel I don't have much energy to do anything, much less deal with people. But I'll be all right. If you find this, whoever you may be, worry not. I will be all right.

Although, if I were to be completely honest with myself, all I am longing for, really, is to be sought and to be found.