Saturday, July 21, 2012

This Feels Like a First Love

Sitting in bed on a cold, rainy Saturday afternoon, I read through the emails we sent each other last Christmas. These are what I like to call our post-breakup emails. I reread them from time to time and feel a familiar ache, as if a wound inside never healed and your words, our words, pierce through my skin, drill through my bones, and poke at the wound like a rascal would. It may seem cliche but I really don't know what the future holds for us, you wrote, if we'll get back together, if we're meant for each other.

I don’t know if we’d ever get another shot, I said.

I've lost count of the times I've read and reread that final correspondence. Each time I felt a twinge of sadness, of disappointment. On some days, there was anger too. A raw and unforgiving anger that burned like wildfire. Sometimes I felt regret too and wished I hadn't fallen in love with you. My whole 2011 felt wasted on a relationship in which I had invested so much time and emotion, which left me with a splintered heart. At first, I welcomed the idea of a second chance, but I eventually buried it in the murkiest part of my consciousness, along with what remained of the love I had for you.

You see, when I contacted you again six months after we broke up, I was over you 100%. Sure, there were times when I still felt the rush of anger, but they were nothing more than a small wrinkle in the perfectly ironed fabric of my happier life. All I had to do was run my hand through the crease and everything would be almost-perfect again. I was surrounded with people who loved and cared for me. I had the job I had wanted since college. I had someone with whom I felt a special connection, who could have taken the space you once occupied if he tried.

Until that text message happened. I didn't think I was treading on dangerous ground at all. I felt safeguarded by my interest in another and by the certainty that our story had reached its hapless ending. There was no rewriting or continuing that story, I thought, especially since I was convinced things were really over for you too. So how did we end up where we are now?

I don't know how it happened to you, but this was how it was for me. When I asked you if you have moved on (without specifying what it was you've moved on from) and you said you have, I cried. I said I have too, and it was true, except after that, it wasn't anymore. See, this is the problem with feelings. They either leave you or you consciously drive them away, only to come back and haunt you at the most inopportune moments. If they remain underground, in the casket in which you buried them, good, but if they don't, you're screwed, because they come back stronger.

I'm not really screwed though. I mean, I felt I was, at first, that night I realized I loved you again. Or that I loved you still. I don't feel like that anymore. You know what this feels like, more than anything? A first love, that's what.

This feels like a first love.

This feels like a slow bike ride in a drizzle, a popsicle on a hot summer afternoon. This is forgetting to do your homework because your brain had turned into a bowl of alphabet soup and the letters in it are only those found in the other person's name. This is staying up past bedtime talking on the phone about nothing of significance, but those nights, those moments would feel like the best ones until you get to the part where you kiss for the first time.

This feels like plucking petals off a flower chanting he loves me, he loves me not, except this doesn't have that uncertainty anymore. You love me and I'm sure of it. And I love you too, more than ever, more than I did all the other boys of yesteryear. I sometimes wonder if I ever really loved anyone before this, and maybe I have, but not like this.

And maybe that's why this feels like a first love. Maybe a first love is what this really is. :)

First Half: A Recap

I was born in the year of the dragon. Which is why I dream of someday having a Japanese dragon inked on my back. 2012 is the year of the Water Dragon, according to Chinese astrology. I don't know what that means exactly, but I'd like to think that this is a good year for me because I'm a dragon-born.

So far, so good.

Having gone through a bad breakup late last year, I decided to focus on myself in 2012. So, in early January, I picked up a new art: painting. I've always wanted to learn how to paint, but couldn't afford to buy materials, so I never did learn it. Well, I had art classes in grade school but I realized they didn't really teach us how to paint then. Or maybe I wasn't paying attention? I don't know. In any case, this year, I finally started learning. I bought a set of cheap watercolors, some cheap brushes, and a cheap watercolor pad. I watched tutorials on YouTube, looked up artists online for inspiration, bought books, the works.

Realizing I could finally afford one, I bought my first DSLR in January too. I have always liked taking pictures. When I got Lilith (my iPhone) in 2010, I became more interested in photography because of apps like Instagram and Hipstamatic. And then, seeing my photographer friends' photos on Facebook, I kind of got jealous so I decided to get a DSLR too, albeit a basic one, and fell in love with photography all over again. I made friends and family pose for me, which was a lot of fun. My favorite shoot, though, would have to be the one with Anna, who was introduced to me by one of my best friends. Oh, and there's this boudoir shoot with my college friend Gia that's also a fave.



The first half of 2012 has been filled with art, just as I wanted it to be. ♥

In March, I turned twenty four.

In April, I got a publishing offer from Flipside.

In May, I decided to apply for the job I've wanted since college: to teach in a public university. I got it. I started teaching in June and finally understood what it meant to have a job that doesn't feel like a job. Until then I worked as a tutor in RareJob and a part-time instructor at World English Reviews. I haven't been able to do either since I started working though. But that's okay. I'm happier teaching college students. I'm still just a part-timer, but I work full time. I have about five hundred students in total, and I teach five courses: Speech Communication, Remedial Instruction in English, Interactive English, Mythology and Folklore, and Literary Criticism.

I'm not satisfied with my performance though. I think I'm still very irresponsible. I tend to forget things. I digress a lot in class. I have trouble managing the classroom. But that's okay because, at least, I'm aware of my shortcomings. Awareness is the first step to solving a problem, yeah? Besides, I'm only starting out. I'm still learning. ♥

When I got this job, I thought, ah, my life's almost complete. There was still one thing missing: love. I was in a relationship last year, with someone I had very strong feelings for. Sadly, the relationship only lasted a few months. We didn't break up because we didn't love each other anymore, though. It was more complicated than that. Anyway, it happened. So this year I was single again and oh so ready to find love. Working at a university, I thought there was a good chance of finding someone new this year. I actually daydreamed about meeting another professor from a different college. Say, for instance, someone from the College of Engineering and Architecture!

Actually, there was someone I was interested in, but he was in a different country, so it wasn't something I could take seriously (no offense to people in long distance relationships or people who met their lovers online, this is an entirely personal thing). Anyway, I eventually lost interest in him, especially when I got into One Direction.


In May, I started talking to my ex again. The same ex I broke up with last year. My mom kept asking about him, so I thought, I'm over him anyway so I might as well ask how he is.

Wrong move.

Well, not wrong. At first it seemed wrong, but turns out it was right. To cut a long story short, we eventually got back together. And we're happier than ever, so I regret nothing. ♥

In June, Api gave birth to an adorable baby boy. I haven't been able to hang out with friends as much as I used to, but that's all right. These are people I've been friends with for over a decade now, so few weeks of not seeing each other won't change anything between us.

So there. The first half of 2012 wasn't so bad, was it? I mean, I'm broke and all, but this is the happiest I've been in a long time. And that's what life is all about to me anyway: being happy. Hope yours was great too!