Midyear Resolution

Stop wasting time on things (and people) that don't matter. 

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I wish more people knew how to take responsibility for their actions. I hate how we have this way of twisting things to eventually put the blame on the victim. Like how rape victims are blamed as if they asked for it. It makes me fucking angry. 

I was never passive in terms of my romantic interests. I don't think I'll ever learn how to just sit and wait for the guy to do something because I don't believe in traditional sex roles. I don't believe the guy has to pursue the girl. I don't believe he has to open doors for her and carry her fucking purse. I don't believe guys should pay for every fucking meal on a date and I don't believe that if sex happens on a first date, the girl is a slut. 

FUCK EVERYONE WHO BELIEVES THAT SHIT. AND FUCK EVERYONE WHO FUCKING PERPETUATES IT. 

People can be so fucking stupid, I sometimes want to take the fucking elevator to the roofdeck and jump to my fucking death. But that would only mean the stupidity won, so I'm not doing it. 

I won't apologize for anything. I won't apologize for supposedly thinking too much, because I have a working brain and I happen to use it more than some people do theirs. Don't fucking tell me not to think because I've always thought about things too much and I'm not going to apologize for that because that has made me into a more conscientious person. I'm not going to apologize for how I acted, because that was my honest reaction to what was going on. I was myself; I didn't pretend to be someone or something else. I'm not sorry about the conversation we had. I'm not sorry I enjoyed your hugs and wanted more of them. I was honest about what I felt, so I think it's only fair to expect you to be honest too. 

Ah, expectations. Perhaps I shouldn't have expected anything in the first place. But you said I was your good friend and I fucking took that seriously because "good friend" is not a title I simply bestow upon anyone. And I think it's only natural for good friends to expect good things from each other. 

Well, I guess we could say I know better now. I'm no good friend of yours. I'm not even a friend.

Oh well. Karma chameleon. 

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I don't have much energy to do anything these days. Since I started making friends with people at work, I haven't been able to draw or read, much less write. And although I don't consider socializing a waste of time, it's a little sad that my levels of interest in art and books have been dropping.

I'm afraid I'm getting stupid, really. 

I miss school. I miss teaching so much I cry over it sometimes. I miss studying too, and sitting in lectures soaking up ideas and new things, engaging in intellectually stimulating discussions, albeit passively. I mean, I mostly just listen, but that's still participation, right?

I still don't know what I want. And just yesterday I realized it's okay not to know what you want, so long as you have a firm idea of what you don't want. This was a realization induced by, believe it or not, my not wanting to be in a (romantic) relationship. 

It's such a hassle, really. When you're young and kind of lost (which I am), you have no business getting involved in a serious relationship with another person. It's thoughtless. It's selfish.

Which reminds me of my ex and how we broke up. Something I never really talked about in this blog because, well, just thinking about it is enough to anger me. Haha. Right. I'm still angry. But what I really want is to reach the point of indifference. Anger only shows I still give a shit. And I don't want to give him anything ever again. What I want is for him to be as unimportant and as irrelevant as a dying weed on the side of a road-less-travelled. 

Pretty much how he made me feel during the gradual demise of our relationship. Like I wasn't worth anything.

Anyway. 

I wouldn't say that's the reason I don't want a relationship. I can confidently say that I don't feel even an ounce of love for him, so loving another should not be a problem. But again, there are other things to consider. Time, for instance. There's money too. Haha. I hear a lot of people say this shouldn't be as huge a problem for girls as it is for guys, but that's bullshit. And as much as I like being treated "like a girl" I'm not one to depend on a guy for everything. I do like being driven home though, because I hate commuting. Hahaha. 

If I ever end up cohabiting with someone in the future, I would like for me to have my own room where I can spend time with myself from time to time. I think it's important to maintain a sense of individuality even within a romantic relationship, something people tend to lose, I think, when they get too caught up in the bond and lose themselves in it. I don't want that. 

Besides, I don't love myself enough just yet to make loving another my business. Funny enough, this showed up in mu horoscope. I don't read my horoscope but happened to a few weeks back. It was creepy accurate in that it divided my year in half. It said the first half of the year will be spent making myself better and working on my self-esteem and putting myself out there. Fucking creepy, yo. That's exactly what my state of mind was these past five months. And then, the horoscope said the second half would be great for casual relationships which may or may not run deeper. This, again, is in accordance with my not wanting to get involved with anyone while I'm not ready. 

Two points to Cafe Astrology! A casual relationship, of course, is still a relationship, but it demands less and should therefore be less troublesome. I think, being twenty five and all, I'm more open to such things now than I was in the past. Besides, being single for life doesn't really scare me anymore. I mean, I wouldn't mind finding someone, but alonedom's okay too. 

I'm rambling. 

I should maybe write more often to get things outta my head. Self-clarification is important. 

That is all for now.