I'm afraid I'm getting stupid, really.
I miss school. I miss teaching so much I cry over it sometimes. I miss studying too, and sitting in lectures soaking up ideas and new things, engaging in intellectually stimulating discussions, albeit passively. I mean, I mostly just listen, but that's still participation, right?
I still don't know what I want. And just yesterday I realized it's okay not to know what you want, so long as you have a firm idea of what you don't want. This was a realization induced by, believe it or not, my not wanting to be in a (romantic) relationship.
It's such a hassle, really. When you're young and kind of lost (which I am), you have no business getting involved in a serious relationship with another person. It's thoughtless. It's selfish.
Which reminds me of my ex and how we broke up. Something I never really talked about in this blog because, well, just thinking about it is enough to anger me. Haha. Right. I'm still angry. But what I really want is to reach the point of indifference. Anger only shows I still give a shit. And I don't want to give him anything ever again. What I want is for him to be as unimportant and as irrelevant as a dying weed on the side of a road-less-travelled.
Pretty much how he made me feel during the gradual demise of our relationship. Like I wasn't worth anything.
Anyway.
I wouldn't say that's the reason I don't want a relationship. I can confidently say that I don't feel even an ounce of love for him, so loving another should not be a problem. But again, there are other things to consider. Time, for instance. There's money too. Haha. I hear a lot of people say this shouldn't be as huge a problem for girls as it is for guys, but that's bullshit. And as much as I like being treated "like a girl" I'm not one to depend on a guy for everything. I do like being driven home though, because I hate commuting. Hahaha.
If I ever end up cohabiting with someone in the future, I would like for me to have my own room where I can spend time with myself from time to time. I think it's important to maintain a sense of individuality even within a romantic relationship, something people tend to lose, I think, when they get too caught up in the bond and lose themselves in it. I don't want that.
Besides, I don't love myself enough just yet to make loving another my business. Funny enough, this showed up in mu horoscope. I don't read my horoscope but happened to a few weeks back. It was creepy accurate in that it divided my year in half. It said the first half of the year will be spent making myself better and working on my self-esteem and putting myself out there. Fucking creepy, yo. That's exactly what my state of mind was these past five months. And then, the horoscope said the second half would be great for casual relationships which may or may not run deeper. This, again, is in accordance with my not wanting to get involved with anyone while I'm not ready.
Two points to Cafe Astrology! A casual relationship, of course, is still a relationship, but it demands less and should therefore be less troublesome. I think, being twenty five and all, I'm more open to such things now than I was in the past. Besides, being single for life doesn't really scare me anymore. I mean, I wouldn't mind finding someone, but alonedom's okay too.
I'm rambling.
I should maybe write more often to get things outta my head. Self-clarification is important.
That is all for now.
