First Half: A Recap

I was born in the year of the dragon. Which is why I dream of someday having a Japanese dragon inked on my back. 2012 is the year of the Water Dragon, according to Chinese astrology. I don't know what that means exactly, but I'd like to think that this is a good year for me because I'm a dragon-born.

So far, so good.

Having gone through a bad breakup late last year, I decided to focus on myself in 2012. So, in early January, I picked up a new art: painting. I've always wanted to learn how to paint, but couldn't afford to buy materials, so I never did learn it. Well, I had art classes in grade school but I realized they didn't really teach us how to paint then. Or maybe I wasn't paying attention? I don't know. In any case, this year, I finally started learning. I bought a set of cheap watercolors, some cheap brushes, and a cheap watercolor pad. I watched tutorials on YouTube, looked up artists online for inspiration, bought books, the works.

Realizing I could finally afford one, I bought my first DSLR in January too. I have always liked taking pictures. When I got Lilith (my iPhone) in 2010, I became more interested in photography because of apps like Instagram and Hipstamatic. And then, seeing my photographer friends' photos on Facebook, I kind of got jealous so I decided to get a DSLR too, albeit a basic one, and fell in love with photography all over again. I made friends and family pose for me, which was a lot of fun. My favorite shoot, though, would have to be the one with Anna, who was introduced to me by one of my best friends. Oh, and there's this boudoir shoot with my college friend Gia that's also a fave.

The first half of 2012 has been filled with art, just as I wanted it to be. ♥

In March, I turned twenty four.

In April, I got a publishing offer from Flipside.

In May, I decided to apply for the job I've wanted since college: to teach in a public university. I got it. I started teaching in June and finally understood what it meant to have a job that doesn't feel like a job. Until then I worked as a tutor in RareJob and a part-time instructor at World English Reviews. I haven't been able to do either since I started working though. But that's okay. I'm happier teaching college students. I'm still just a part-timer, but I work full time. I have about five hundred students in total, and I teach five courses: Speech Communication, Remedial Instruction in English, Interactive English, Mythology and Folklore, and Literary Criticism.

I'm not satisfied with my performance though. I think I'm still very irresponsible. I tend to forget things. I digress a lot in class. I have trouble managing the classroom. But that's okay because, at least, I'm aware of my shortcomings. Awareness is the first step to solving a problem, yeah? Besides, I'm only starting out. I'm still learning. ♥

When I got this job, I thought, ah, my life's almost complete. There was still one thing missing: love. I was in a relationship last year, with someone I had very strong feelings for. Sadly, the relationship only lasted a few months. We didn't break up because we didn't love each other anymore, though. It was more complicated than that. Anyway, it happened. So this year I was single again and oh so ready to find love. Working at a university, I thought there was a good chance of finding someone new this year. I actually daydreamed about meeting another professor from a different college. Say, for instance, someone from the College of Engineering and Architecture!

Actually, there was someone I was interested in, but he was in a different country, so it wasn't something I could take seriously (no offense to people in long distance relationships or people who met their lovers online, this is an entirely personal thing). Anyway, I eventually lost interest in him, especially when I got into One Direction.

In May, I started talking to my ex again. The same ex I broke up with last year. My mom kept asking about him, so I thought, I'm over him anyway so I might as well ask how he is.

Wrong move.

Well, not wrong. At first it seemed wrong, but turns out it was right. To cut a long story short, we eventually got back together. And we're happier than ever, so I regret nothing. ♥

In June, Api gave birth to an adorable baby boy. I haven't been able to hang out with friends as much as I used to, but that's all right. These are people I've been friends with for over a decade now, so few weeks of not seeing each other won't change anything between us.

So there. The first half of 2012 wasn't so bad, was it? I mean, I'm broke and all, but this is the happiest I've been in a long time. And that's what life is all about to me anyway: being happy. Hope yours was great too!

Notes on My Last Conversation With the Arian

I waited days to speak with you again, expecting it would be like the last time, only it wasn't. You sounded weak and weary, like all hope was drained from your body and thrown into the sea. And I thought, "Oh shit. I guess I'm playing shrink again tonight."

So I listened to you grumble about how you dislike your job and how people in your workplace underestimate you and how you feel bottled up and unable to reveal your true self, which, in many occasions, you have revealed to me. It is that side of you I like most: smart and funny and someone I would very much want to meet and maybe marry (yes, I have had thoughts like that, because we get along so well it's a shame we live an ocean apart).

But that night you sounded terribly lonely and your loneliness resonated and I almost cried because I, too, was feeling lonely. And I wanted to talk to you to infect you with my own loneliness, but you beat me to it and unknowingly bestowed upon me a fraction of your misery. It was then that I realized again how menacing loneliness can sometimes be. How it tears you apart as if cutting along dotted lines, the hurt little by little growing like a small potted plant abandoned on a windowsill, the curtains drawn not letting sunshine in. And while you were pouring out your feelings unto me, I hated you, unfeeling Aries, I hated you while telling you what I think you should do to make things better, while convincing myself I could save a person from falling into the pits of depression even without a degree in Psychology. And I tried to brighten up the mood, used up my arsenal of sunbeams but managed only a flicker.

I eventually gave up, resigned myself to the sad reality that the conversation was going nowhere happy. So when you said you were going to bed I didn't bother to protest.

I fell asleep wondering if you understood what I said about happiness being in your hands and woke up worrying I had not said enough. So I sent you a message, an appendage to our last conversation, and with it I sent an unwritten farewell.

I don't want to talk to you. At least not until the loneliness you fed me has completely dissipated and I feel I am myself again. I cannot afford to lose myself, not when people incessantly stray from who they really are, with some never finding their way back, leaving behind a fragment of themselves, nothing but dust from a fallen star.

To My Lover at Fourteen

Disclaimer: Just because this has line breaks doesn't mean it's a poem. It just felt more natural to write it like this. This is nothing.

you may or may not have been
my first love:
until now, i still have no clear understanding
of when and how like evolves into
love. but I was very fond of you,
that I must admit.

whoever finds true love at fourteen is
lucky, i guess,
and whoever doesn't isn't necessarily
the opposite--only ordinary, maybe.

we found love untrue at fourteen, in between the lines
of notepaper, in the negative spaces of pictures
we drew, in the split second breaths
we took between our words
and syllables.

you were so tall, you were
maybe close to six feet when I first
kissed you
when i held your hand, your palms
sweaty and your heart racing like it
was your first time, wait

it was your first time.
and mine too.

i remember the details: the color of dusk
the smell of crude oil on the wooden floor
sickening and, yes, crude
like you and i were

we were not prepared for love. we were young
not exactly wild, but we were free, at least
and we loved like loving was all
we were in school for
and we exchanged words
promised we would be together
for a long time, but
we left those promises hanging in the air
left them irretrievable

and that is why the love we had
at fourteen was no more
at fifteen. a love like that does not last
i realized. so we let go
and we never kissed again
the harmless kiss of that
afternoon.